Where Does Trust Really Live?

What losing trust in others is really asking you to look at.

Photo by Saksham Gangwar on Unsplash

I had a question rise up in the middle of looking over some recent readings and sessions with clients. And every one of them seemed to deal in some way or form with somebody losing trust in another.

Either in a relationship that went sour, a friendship where more trust was given than could be held. In each one of these situations, somebody was feeling less than, losing faith with self in the after effects of having put trust in another and having that trust come up short.

The question that rose from that at the time was: is it truly with others where the real hold of trust is?

In no way, shape, or form am I saying that others cannot misuse our trust, whether it’s with people, places, things, money, whatever it may be.

I’m not discounting the level of cruelty that somebody can go to, even somebody we were in a relationship with, either romantic or just friendship. But what I am asking us to do is take a deeper look at what trust is and where it comes from.

The more I sat with this, I felt within me that it goes back to me trusting myself. Because I chose to look at this, and the only way I could give a complete, honest opinion on it was through my own personal look at it.

At fifty-six years old, I realized this line of trust goes back until I was about three or four years old. And I felt at the time that trust was something that lived outside of me. It was something I could give to others, and they could do what they wished with it. I had no say in it. I had no recourse in it. I had no way to shore myself up if there was a storm on the horizon.

When I sat with this question recently, what rose from that was: is that really true?

Does trust actually live within us?

Is it really that I may give trust to another, and then can they truly drag down the trust I have with myself? Or do I need to spend the time nurturing, caring for, loving, and being compassionate toward myself and build trust with me?

Trust that I will learn to choose me in ways that are healthy. That when I make a choice to say yes to something, is it truly a yes, or is it a yes because I am putting someone else’s needs before mine, and mine are never considered?

So trust in others actually starts within self. Because no matter what someone else’s actions are, no matter how cruel — and I’m not discounting in any shape or form the breadth and width of what somebody can do to us — the question I ask in this article is: where does trust truly live?

I believe its home is within us, and we have sovereignty with self.

The relationship we have with ourselves is reflected back to us through every other relationship in our lives.

So yes, others can misuse our trust, our love, our compassion. They can misuse it to the point of it being an incredibly negative thing. But the level of trust and nurturing we have with self is what will give us a more solid foundation to avoid some of that.

Because somebody who loves and trusts themself will be much less likely to give in and say yes to things when they know their heart is screaming no.

And that’s what this article is going to dive into today.

Discernment and intuition.

These are going to be two of the most valuable assets you will have in building your relationship with self, especially when it comes to trust.

Now, intuition is something that gets a lot of press. People are intuitive readers, they’re intuitive this, oh, I felt I had an intuitive hit.

After doing this professionally for thirty-six years, and at fifty-six years old being completely connected and aware of my abilities since the age of three, I will tell you: the two most valuable assets you will ever have are intuition and discernment.

They have to work together.

Intuition, no matter how detailed — and it could be so detailed that when someone walks through the door, you could literally read their Social Security number out of the air to them — is just information.

I want to say this again.

Intuition is just information.

Discernment is where we look at that information and process it.

Those two together create our clarity. When we are able to take intuition, the information that comes in, and use discernment with it, that is where the solid foundation comes in.

You don’t have to blindly trust yourself, because if you are putting in intuition and discernment as part of your process, you will find there is less need to feel like you have to hang on to trust for dear life and be part of the solution.

So today, we’re going to take a moment, and we’re going to create the space and the grace to sit down with ourselves. We’re going to work on building a loving, trusting connection with self.

When we were born into this world, we came in without any preconceived notion that outside of ourself we needed anything to move forward. We didn’t need to trust whether our steps would be helped as we got up and tried to walk, or whether somebody would help us reach for something.

We just did the things. We just trusted with distinction that if we wished to do something, we could follow through and we would figure it out.

Somewhere along the lines, especially in many of us, as we grew up and went into our twenties and thirties and beyond, we were shown by those who had their own filters on that trust was supposed to be outside of us.

That it was something outside of our control. We could do everything we could and then put it in someone else’s hands, and they held all the power, all the choice, all the decision. We were misinformed by those who were also misinformed in one way or another.

I’m not discounting or downplaying anybody’s negative connections over the years and how that distrust happened. But it happened, and it built up like layers in the earth.

This is one of the things I want to talk about, because as we start really reconnecting with self and building the relationship deeper with self, trust is a big thing. And the more we learn to be open to receive trust and compassion and care from ourselves to ourselves, the easier this part will become.

So one of the first things I want us to do is try an exercise. This is one I’ve used with my clients over the years.

In this one, I’m going to have you answer one question. But this question is going to be a pretty big one. I recommend you give yourself a good fifteen to twenty minutes at least. Get your phone out, set the timer. If you want to listen to some instrumental music or some background sounds, like the sound of rain, you’re welcome to do that. I don’t recommend music with lyrics, because the lyrics will distract you.

Set the timer for fifteen to twenty minutes. Find something calming and relaxing to listen to. Sit down with a pen and paper. And I want you to answer one question:

Photo by Ronda Dorsey on Unsplash

How do I want to feel about trust?

I want you to allow everything that comes up to hit the page. I don’t care if it’s something tiny. It could be, “I want to be able to trust that the moment I get out of bed and put my foot down, the ground will be there.”

Whatever comes up, don’t judge it. Get it on the paper.

When the timer is up, take that piece of paper and understand that nobody is ever going to read this but you.

Take a moment to hold the paper in your hand, take a deep breath, release it out, and say: thank you for the gift of release.

Because everything that got triggered up … and I’m telling you right now, most of it’s going to be what you don’t want to feel… that’s good. That means everything over the years that has been layers and layers and layers of distrust, misunderstanding about what trust is through others’ actions with you, will release.

The majority of what comes out in this exercise is going to be what you don’t want. That’s good.

I want you to do this exercise a minimum of three times. Take a break after the first time. I recommend waiting about two to three days, and then sit down and do the exercise again.

You should do it a minimum of three times to get the full effect, because by the third time, most of what hits the page is actually going to be how you do want to feel about trust. This gives you a really good idea of what trust means to you and where you can focus and work with self.

The next little exercise I usually have people do is make a list from that of the things you do want to feel. These are the energies you’re going to start focusing on integrating into the relationship with self.

There are easy ways to do this. You can make the list and read it to yourself before bed at night. You can create an audio file and speak that list to yourself and listen to it once a day.

Spending time connecting with what trust really means to you is going to make all the difference in building that relationship with self. First, it’s just being aware of what it is and what the parameters are. That’s good. That’s going to be important.

So after this, I want you to take a deep breath and relax and understand this is all part of the journey. You’re not too far behind. You’re not too far ahead. And you’re not lost. You’re never not on your path. You are your path, dear soul.

If this stirred something in you, I’d love for you to keep going deeper with me.

You can find more reflections and exercises like this one throughout the Soul Greenhouse archive.

If you want to go even further into healing the relationship with your soul self, my book Soul Hangry was written for exactly this and it’s available in print and as a digital download.